Filled with Light

Devotional by Lina Boeller

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.”

2 Corinthians 4:6

I was in the beginning of my second trimester and in Italy with my husband. I had just stopped feeling nauseous and was starting to feel big (and scared). Yes, I was excited to be a mom, but I was also so anxious to lose all the things in the process - my body, my energy, my freedom, my youth, my clients…things were just getting good, and here they are about to all come crashing down — I wasn’t doing great.

This was Gus and I's first major trip together, and my first trip overseas in a very long time. I thought this could be the trip I needed to inspire me. It was expensive. We stayed in beautiful hotels, we rented a car so we could drive through the Italian countryside. We woke up late and had unlimited cappuccinos for breakfast – and even though all these things were nice, I was still unhappy. It just didn’t add up. I’d taken trips in the past to foreign countries. Sure, the travel can wear me down, but at some point in the trip, I am elated, in awe of the beauty around me, completely and totally present and over-the-moon with joy. “When is that going to happen?” I found myself thinking. We were doing so much and still the happiness I was seeking eluded me.

It was only when I was at the airport in Zurich, waiting for our flight home when I felt a moment of joy. I was bored and resolved to get through a video series I purchased that guided me on how to give birth. It was meant to be instructional – contractions, pushing, all the things. But it began with a bright eyed woman, sharing why I am so blessed to be pregnant. How I had been perfectly designed to have this child. And how it was one of the most magical moments I would get to experience. God made me, and God made my son, and here I was about to deliver him into this world. It was beautiful. I felt my throat and my eyes swell with tears. Everything was going to be more than OK, great even.

This is how it is with me. I keep trying to find my own way out of darkness. I optimize my life. I think OK, I need to exercise more, sleep better, write affirmations of gratitude in the morning, find better clients, get a fancy latte, have a Lina-day, go on a nice long trip, it goes on and on. And sure, these things sometimes help me feel better. But really, it is only Jesus in these moments that bring me Light. Not the moment itself. A trip to Italy without God, is just another day (at least it was for me). Birth without God, is just a whole lotta discomfort. I am learning to find great comfort that Jesus is always within reach, and with Him both the grandest and the most mundane moments are filled to the brim with light overflowing.

Have you ever been in an amazing moment in life and wondered, why am I still not filled with Light? How do we let God into our moments- big and small?